The Impact Of Your Victim Story and How To Let It Go

A victim story… most of us have them, some of us love them and choose to re-tell them over and over again to ourselves and anyone that will listen.


What exactly is a victim story?  A victim story is a re-telling of something that has happened to us. Something where we have a perceived notion that we have been wronged, and probably by some outside force.

We use these stories through out our lives, we use them as excuses to get what we need, or to get out of what we need to do. We use them for sympathy, or to take the responsibility away from ourselves and put them onto someone or something else.

This overwhelming need to keep telling our story, and to feel like we are in the right, will overshadow all logical thinking or seeing any other point of view. It can also take away our willingness to resolve the issue, ask for an apology, seek forgiveness, feel happy, have a great day, and move forward in life.

In my opinion, a victim story can be anything negative that you hang onto and have made a part of you. You gladly sing  along to the old ‘somebody did me wrong’ song.

Maybe you were a sickly child…. and you were able to get attention from sickness. You got to be the child in the family that got doted on. Now as an adult, you can still use sickness to get the attention that you need or to get out of doing hard things. And yes…with some illness comes limitations. BUT are those limitations what your and everyone else’s life must revolve around?

Maybe you grew up in an abusive or alcoholic home. You now use that story of being a child of alcoholics for everything that is wrong in your life today.

Maybe you feel that you have a dark cloud over your head, and nothing good ever happens to you. Every time something less that great happens you throw your arms up and say “see…. I never have any good luck and I am just cursed”.

The problem with the constant retelling of our victim story is that we stay stuck, and avoid healing and moving forward in life. It keeps us stuck in a loop of negativity and delays us from having more positive experiences. I am a firm believe in the law of attraction and what we think we attract.

So start thinking about your life, and if you are playing the victim anywhere. How can you start to let that victim story go?

First of all, you will have to acknowledge your victim story. It kind of makes you feel icky when you start to call it your victim story. The story you tell your self and everyone else. You may start to feel defensive of your story and deny that it is you playing the victim.

“I am always  very sick, so don’t expect me to do anything”

“I am always broke, what is the point of working hard”

“I am just unlucky, so why bother to chase my dreams”

“I am the child of alcoholics,  that is why I feel I must control everything and everyone”

Determine where does this belief, this story, comes from? Where you always told this as a child, and it just stayed with you? It had to come from somewhere right? Who lets you get away with telling it? When did you start using this story as your excuse?

Ask yourself if this belief is absolutely true. Are you embellishing your story a bit? When you think long and hard about it can you really say that you truly are the victim in this? You didn’t create any of this on your own, and that there is never a time when you are using the situation, your ‘story’ to your advantage?

What is the benefit of holding onto your victim story?  Does it get you attention? Does it give you a reason to complain? Does it let you off the hook for taking responsibility for your life. There is always a payoff for what you do… or else you wouldn’t do it.

What would your life be like without this victim story or this belief? Who would you be if you were not always the sick one? The broke one? The unlucky one? Who would you be if you were not always the victim? When you think of having this story totally erased from your life… do you feel joyous or do you now feel scared that you would have to learn to do a life a bit differently?

You can drop the victim story and turn your belief system around! This may not be easy… especially if this story has big payoffs or has been working for you for a long time. You may need to talk to a professional or hire a coach for a little while. You may need a friend to call you out when ever you start using your story.

You will need to start thinking differently, and acting differently. When you start to tell yourself your story in your head, you are going to need to have a new though pattern for that little old brain of yours. I promise you… this will take time. BUT when ever you start with the story of ‘I always have the shittiest luck”, you will need to have new thoughts to think instead. ” I make my own luck” or whatever you want your new story to be.

Oh and I should say… this stuff only works if you are truly ready to let your story go. Your ego will fight you on it. It will trick you into resorting to using your victim story….but don’t fall for it. Your ego wants to protect you. It doesn’t want you try new things or new ways of thinking. It wants to feel safe. It wants you stay the way you are, blaming everything and everyone for your situation. Other people have all the luck, not you. But the ego lies to you… other people make their own luck.

Instead of getting stuck in your victim story loop, take your new way of thinking, the way that now has you in charge of your life, and start making plans to live in a more positive way. This of course may mean more big scary changes. Take them one step at time, and remember that you got this. You can do this, you are not always the sick girl, or the broke girl, or the unlucky girl. There is so many other parts to you and you are on a mission to find them.

I also always encourage a grateful journal. Write down all the things you are grateful for all the time. While this may not seem like much, over time you will start to feel the effect of your new way of thinking and grateful thoughts. Life will become easier and your victim story will start to diminish. It is just the magical way life works. When you focus on the good, you will see more and more good. (when you focus on your victim story… you will just continue to be the victim)

You may still have some money problems. You will have bad things that happen. You may never heal that illness or disease….but this is not life or others conspiring against you. Chances are it all happened due to your own life choices along the way. Or sometimes it’s just one of those things. You are not the only one things happen to…. so really, just get over yourself. You just need to get off the sidelines of life and back in the game. Don’t fall for your ego dragging you back to the victim when times get tough. It knows you and knows your weak spots. It will test you…just keep going forward and tell your ego to just shut the fuck up, because it is not the boss of you anymore.

So…what do you say? Are you ready to have an honest and brave look at your victim story and belief system about it? Are you ready to let the story go? Believe me… everyone around you is sick of hearing it. You are sick of hearing it!  It is holding you back from living the life that you believe that you will never have.

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  1. I think this post is important. When we’ve been “done wrong” it can become a bad habit to use it as a shield between ourselves and something better. I compare it to learning to walk with a limp when the surgery and the rehab could allow you to run.
    I hope the people who need to see themselves here, do.
    Susan C. Bonifant recently posted…Every single dayMy Profile

  2. I both agree and not. I do believe that people need to be able to acknowledge and even claim their victimhood before they can move on to health and wholeness. I think in our society we sometimes focus on the “quick recovery” too much. Quick recovery will often come back to bite you and you’ll end up “sicker” than before, so to speak. Of course there are several levels of victimization. If someone nicked your car in the parking lot, yeah, get over it pretty soon. But as an ex social worker, I saw people who weren’t allowed, again, so to speak, to mourn the fact that they had truly been victimized and that sometimes hurt them as much as the original victimization.

  3. So very true….I have or should I say “had” a few friends that were stuck on their poor me story…I got tired of listening to it…I tried to help and they never took any of my advice…I couldn’t make them be happy…I can only make myself be happy…
    Renee recently posted…The Carefree Summers Of Our YouthMy Profile

    1. Thanks for reading Renee! Yes I have some friends like that too. I try and make sure I am not using my own victim story at times too. Legitimate problems are one thing. The same story over and over and over again….yup, tiring!

  4. Great advice. No, really, really great advice. I have been having a similar conversation with someone close to me. She can’t let go of past hurts and failures and it’s brought her down to where she doesn’t see a way out.

  5. This is important. I have examined what happened to me in my childhood as a way to better understand myself and my particular mental illness, but I don’t THINK I use it as a crutch.
    michelle combs recently posted…Petty AFMy Profile

  6. You are so right Michele! I know I carry baggage from my childhood, but I am doing my best to put it down every time I notice the weight of it. Just because my early days were not all they could have been doesn’t mean my “now” life can’t be fabulous. I also carry a bit of resentment that all the fantastic parenting I did on my own kids hasn’t left me with them singing my praises! There is a lot of letting go that I need to do regularly to keep a smile on my face.

    Leanne | recently posted…#4 CHOOSE TO FORGIVEMy Profile

  7. I have a song I love to sing, “Count Your Blessings’. My Mom used to sing it whenever one of us would start our own little pity party. I know there are things I hang onto. I love your statement: “avoid healing and moving forward in life”. That is the true tragedy of hanging on to your victim-hood.
    I love this post! Sharing . . .
    Diane recently posted…Pocket PrizesMy Profile

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